Becoming Art

When Salt Lake artist, Jeffrey Hale, first approached me about modeling for one of his paintings, I answered with a chuckle and resounding no. I'd been following his work on Instagram and Facebook for a few years, so I was well acquainted with his nude female figures, painted in a loosely expressionist style. I'm also well acquainted with myself and I am not a nudist.

As a young woman I was insecure about my body. I drowned my curvy hips under layers of loose clothing, exercised obsessively, and even struggled with eating disorders. I outgrew most of my insecurities by my mid-thirties, but my chubby legs and small breasts are still a hang-up for me. However, on the twentieth of December 2018, I chose to put those hang-ups aside and have an adventure. This is why.

Earlier that day, my not-yet boyfriend took me to lunch to do what people do at busy chain restaurants: break up. I have to say, I saw it coming, but that's not really what this post is about. The breakup was just a catalyst. I left the restaurant feeling oddly at peace with it. I knew it was the right thing. Later, however, I began to feel ridiculous for opening up to him emotionally, for investing time, and energy into an ultimately dead end relationship. I felt sad for the realization that nothing I put into it was enough which I internalized as 'I am not enough.'

I wanted to somehow reclaim the energy I lost and I wanted to feel appreciated. Somewhere in the midst of all this I thought of the artist. It occurred to me that if he thought I was interesting enough to paint on a canvas then perhaps he can show me what he sees. I messaged Jeffrey Hale and told him how I was feeling and asked if the offer to model was still on the table. He said it was. Three hours later I was at Guthrie studios in Salt Lake City .

Dissolving Boundaries in Phase 4

Jeffrey met me at the door, soft-spoken and a little shy. Some light conversation about the age of the building and the drive down broke the ice a bit. Knowing how sad I was about the events of the day, he presented me with a card of affirmation and a journal that I still carry with me now just in case I have a thought I want to remember. Then it was time to get to work.

First, Jeffrey explained how his art is a collaboration between artist and model, emphasizing that I am not an object in the room, but an important part of the creative process. Also, models are allowed --- and encouraged --- to move, shift, and stand as they please. Next, he showed me the modeling space, complete with a heater and couch to use whenever I needed a break. Jeffrey then left the room and instructed me to text him when I felt comfortable. I took a deep breath, and a moment to adjust to my new surroundings, and undressed before my mind could catch up.

Rookie tip: Reminding myself that the artist has likely seen more naked women than a gynecologist helped ease my tension a bit.

When Jeffrey came back in the room I tried to act casual, though I was acutely aware of my nakedness. My eyes darted around the room as I nervously chattered on about styles and modes, and "oh hey, that book on Monet looks interesting." (I strongly dislike Monet.) But he acted as if nothing about my appearance had changed. He was respectful and professional, and I soon became totally comfortable in my own skin.

In many ways I even felt empowered. Instead of hiding away in my house with a carton of ice cream and feeling bad about myself, I did something brave. I took space in the world and metaphorically re-claimed myself. It was invigorating, healing and empowering.

Rookie tip: It's easier to forget you're naked if you talk a lot.

Photograph by Jeffrey Beckstrand

While he worked, Jeffrey and I talked about the break up, and feelings of rejection. But mostly we talked about vulnerability, the human's capacity to love and the beauty of emotional intimacy.

"Your emotion and vulnerability, is not a weakness. It's your strength, your super power," he said.

I'll never forget those words.

Jeffrey Hale's work is a reflection of who he is as a person and an artist. It's about capturing emotion and energy behind the form; connection between artist and subject; celebrating the body; and for me, empowering through self-acceptance.

Although a title has not yet been finalized,"Dissolving Boundaries," is a working possibility --- a celebration of letting your guard down; of opening up to possibilities, to people, to love and to vulnerability.

Photograph by Jeffrey Beckstrand